Updated: Nov 7, 2019
Has this happened to you before? You start off in a relationship and things are going well, but you start to look for signs, patterns, red flags. You’ve been through this deal before, probably been burned or hurt more than once and you tell yourself, “No way. I am NEVER doing that again.” So we kind of wait it out. We put ourselves in a holding pattern. And we watch. We wait for that other person to fuck up. At the first sign of something, we recall all the past pain from that other person. And we feel victorious a little. It’s like, “Aha! I knew you were too good to be true.” This one is just going to end up like all those other failures.
What’s really happening here? Are we just being smarter? Picking up on red flags that we didn’t see before. Or is fear talking to us? The fear that we are repeating the same mistakes we did last time. So fear becomes a very heavy emotion weighing on us. What’s happening here is sort of an aggression towards the self. In this pattern here, we are saying to ourselves, “See you can’t trust yourself.” Your mind is probably telling you, “Yup. You’ve made this mistake before and it wrecked your life.” Does this all sound familiar?
So here’s the deal. Well maybe it is a red flag. Maybe not. Maybe we are giving in to the fear of not knowing how things will turn out. Is this going to end like the others did? First, know that you can handle any setback or disappointment you face. You really can’t control the outcome. Maybe it’s helpful to be a little more fluid and be present with the relationship as it stands today and not worry about what is yet to come. I’ve found that when we are scared to hope things will work out for our best, we tend to over-analyze all these “red flags.” We make a lot out of minor details. They become magnified. Our perspective becomes too narrow. Meaning we are looking at the situation with ourselves in the center and not factoring in all the other experiences that the other person has gone through as well.
So now we have created a scenario in our heads. We see a pattern emerging from minor details. We have decided it’s doomed; we have one foot out the door because we are certain it may be hopeless. Why? Likely it’s because we feel we don’t deserve it. We don’t deserve this love, this joy, this happiness, this whatever. We might say, well that’s why it didn’t work out all those other times. This is typically all happening on the subconscious level. So we aren’t even truly aware of it.
So what are we to do?
1. We trust our intuition and ourselves.
2. We act upon the guidance we hear or feel that tells us if someone or something is truly for our best and highest good.
3. Remember that thoughts are just that. They are thoughts, not facts.
4. We establish compassionate boundaries with each other.
5. We talk things out.
6. We help the other person understand where we are coming from.
7. We allow ourselves to be a little vulnerable.
8. We accept ourselves completely, and we believe truly, that we deserve every good thing that comes our way.
Be well friends!