Narcissists & Empaths

If you are an empath you have likely come across a narcissist or two in your life. It seems empaths are a magnet for narcissists. And it is not as obvious as it seems. Sometimes we can pick up on the narcissistic tendencies, other times it’s hidden, and we end up in a relationship with this person before we know what happened. Other times we recognize the narcissist right away, but we have no choice in avoiding them because it’s our boss.

First, what is an empath? How do you know if you are one?

You are likely sensitive, feel others pain as if it is your own, are very sensitive to the energy in a crowd, pick up on the frequencies others are giving off even if it can’t be seen, are intuitive, see beyond the surface of people, care deeply about humanity and recognize the oneness of us all, hear, see and feel things that others cannot and which you cannot explain, feel driven to help others, are here on Earth in service to others, tend to be more emotional during certain cycles of the moon.

What are the qualities of a narcissist?

Creates fights out of the blue, is moody, you never know what sets them off, overreacts, creates a dependence on them, likes to be in control of the relationship, is manipulative, secretive, doesn’t care about others, is worried about themselves primarily or others only in connection to how it affects them, twists situations to make themselves appear the victim, is dishonest but prone to believing their lies, will have you doubting yourself, is passive aggressive, subtly demeans you or puts you down constantly, takes pride in their image and appearance, has an overinflated sense of self, believes they are smarter than they are, is oppressive, prone to negativity. Is highly affected by the dark energy of others, doesn’t have many real friendships, is estranged from family, needs to be liked, projects an image of being a good “guy/gal,” is insecure.

Why are these people put into our life?

Mainly to teach us a lesson that was not learned in our past life and to teach us self-love. Likely we are very drawn to this person even if we know they aren’t for our best and highest good. There are probably karmic ties to a past life and things we need to work out with the other. We may feel like we need to “save” this person and tend to praise their positive qualities while minimizing their negative behavior towards us in the relationship. The bottom line is—they are here to teach us a lesson about loving ourselves.

What does a romantic relationship with a narcissist look like?

A relationship timeline (unofficial)

1. They come on very strong in the beginning. You likely think, “This is it!” This is everything I’ve ever wanted but never had in past relationships. It seems like destiny or fated. You might think it’s a twin-flame relationship. They love bomb you. They are super loving and affectionate. They are putting their best foot forward, but things will change suddenly. You’ll see some red flags but tend to ignore them. You think they likely just have quirks from bad past relationships. They’ll ask you a lot of questions about you and your friends and family. This is all ammo to find out how you tick, your weaknesses, and insecurities. They will use this information later to control you. In their stories about their past relationships, they always paint themselves as the victim.

2. In the first 6 months, you feel like you’ve really settled into coupledom. Things seem loving and affectionate. They are attentive to your needs. You might move in together, even officially. You start to think long-term.

3. Going towards the one year mark you start to feel a little crowded. You see the person tends to hide some things from you. You realize they don’t have a lot of close friendships and they want to spend all their time with you. You feel a little isolated from your friends and family, but don’t say anything to keep the peace. They don’t explicitly say they don’t like your crew, but you sense they would rather not engage with them.

4. After a year and half or so, things have definitely started to go south. You feel alone. You aren’t sure what happened. They seem so different than the person you first met. You try to ask questions, to peel away the mask, but they reveal nothing that helps you understand what’s going on. You love the person at this point, so you don’t want to give up just yet. Likely, they have shown a side you don’t care for. It might be anger, cruelty, putting you down, or a lack of love and affection. Usually intimacy takes a nosedive and you feel it’s your fault. Remember, they are masters at twisting things to be your fault. All those subtle aggressions about your appearance or self-worth have you starting to question your value.

5. After this stage, you are at the point where you have had it! You’ve tried and let them know you are going to bail on the relationship. Now is when they will offer to change or get help. This will likely be the first time you see them vulnerable. They will claim depression or some other health issue that is all the cause of their recent behavior. These are all excuses. They know how to play you. You are kind and caring and they know what to say to get you to stay. At this point you decide to give it another try. You want to believe in them! You want to help them. You can’t just leave a sick person, right?!? They might beg for a second chance and you want that person you first met back so you try again.

6. You take them back and things seem legit for a while, but after a short time, things are right back where they were before. They didn’t keep any of their promises.

7. That is the cycle. Over and over again this scene will play out. You pull away and start to assert your independence and own your self-worth. They sense this drift and don’t want to lose their control over you, so they reel you in again by love-bombing you. It’s a cycle that never ends. Now, you know the cycle and you become nervous and on edge because you know things are always rocky. It never feels stable.

What should you do? When is it time to move on? Will it ever change?

I feel this is the precise moment when I should tell all that, no, I am not a mental health expert. I have years of lived experience with the narcissist! In my opinion, the person never changes. The only thing that changes is you. When you get strength, support, self-love, and start to belief in you, you’ll move on. Hopefully. If not, this person’s dark energy and negativity will start to rob you of your joy over time.

I wasted so many years in this pattern! My self-esteem was so low from this narcissist manipulating me into believing I was this unlovable, horrible person. I thought I needed him. I really believed this.

Letting go of the Devil you know is one of the hardest things you can do. It is a process. Don’t isolate yourself. Talk to your friends and the people who love you.

Hoping you know how amazing you are! We all deserve love. We are all loveable.

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