Everything is not about you. No really, I mean it.
Sometimes the actions of our partners are not a direct result of something we have done. We might have a tendency to internalize this, especially if we have been hurt in the past by a similar experience. We may go several years thinking, I’m totally good and at peace with this. But then a similar occurrence happens with our new partner and we are completely back where we were before. We are totally hooked on this storyline. We throw our mindfulness training out the window. We relive all the hurt, painful feelings we went through before. One of two things happens: Your new mate does not understand why you are upset with them because they had no knowledge that this was a thing in the past that provoked you OR you have shared your story, but your mate doesn’t know it will upset you because it really, no really, does not in fact have anything to do with you.
A few things can happen here.
Your new partner may feel pressure to not repeat any of the past situations you viewed as a negative with an ex. They become hyper-sensitive to your needs, not wanting to appear similar, they may suppress their real feelings. This causes an unhealthy relationship balance. It can lead to inauthenticity in the relationship and difficulty in setting boundaries. You will become out of alignment very quickly.
What you can do.
>Know what hooks you. In Buddhism we call this “shenpa.” It’s the thing that triggers us. Work on seeing if you can loosen this feeling that really grabs you. Meditate on this. Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and just be present with it. Take a few deeps breaths and reflect on the situation.
>Communicate. Talk things through. Allow the other person to speak their truth freely. Encourage this kind of empowering dialogue.
>Trust your intuition. What does your intuition tell you is guiding your partner’s actions? See things from your partner’s perspective. Is it possibly not about you, but about them?